Thursday, September 4, 2008


Okay, so what do elephants have to do with barfing?

A couple of weeks ago, my dad's brother called to talk to him. Since I answered the phone I was able to chat with my uncle for a bit before passing the phone on to my dad. We chatted about my pregnancy and how long nine months can seem. He told me that at least I wasn't an elephant. Twenty-two months would be a very long time to be pregnant.

Yikes! I can't imagine 22 months of pregnancy, but then again... I really didn't see a lot of info on the Internet about elephant pregnancies. What I did find seemed to indicate that until the last few months there aren't any real symptoms. Of course if I were an elephant, I imagine that my pregnancy would be a lot like my human pregnancy.

Obviously I would have to be a zoo elephant. In the wild I would be shunned and forced to leave my herd (group, pack, whatever) because they wouldn't be able to stand me. Me as a pregnant human is bad enough, but as an elephant it would be intolerable. No one could put up with my moods for an entire elephant pregnancy. Alone I would die, end of story. No, I would definitely be a zoo elephant.

Though I can't find any reference to elephants having morning sickness, I know I would have it. That has got to be gross. I am not sure how much an elephant's stomach can hold, but it must be a lot. I think I would make the most of it. I would love to get as close to zoo visitors as I could and puke on them. I don't know how far I could get it to shoot out of my mouth, but I know some of it could spray over. Since as a pregnant human I sometimes get vomit out my nose, I suppose I would sometimes puke out of my trunk if I were an elephant. I would try hard to develop that skill. I even have my primary targets in mind: perky pregnant women. As a human it is not acceptable for me to go up and assault women who seem to actually enjoy being pregnant, but as an elephant I could puke all over them. Those who seemed to feel sorry for my plight would be sprayed with a second round. I wonder if elephants laugh? I would be laughing on the inside at least.

I bet the zoo keepers would pamper me too. I would have great medical benefits and no travel to appointments because they would come to me. I would have free room and board and could probably sleep as little or as much as I wanted. It would be expected for me to gain a huge amount of weight and I am pretty sure that elephants don't have to worry about stretch marks. Who would notice?

Maybe being a pregnant elephant wouldn't be so bad. I bet I wouldn't have to take care of the baby after I gave birth either. People would be lining up to do that. Free daycare... I wonder if I am big and wrinkly enough to pass as an elephant.

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